Inevitable

It seemed inevitable,

Well, not necessarily, it could have remained a flat-line;

That hasn’t been the case.

Since I started blogging in 2015

More people have been reading.

I still don’t know what is most popular – blogs or poems.

Poems are certainly easier to pen although the blogs are likely better for self-expression.

The numbers of readers have been rising (here is the data if anyone is interested)

2015 – 1,759

2016 – 5,142,

2017 – 11, 048

2018 – 20, 617

(At this rate it will take me until somewhere in 2023 to reach a million people).

Ironically, as the blogs have become more popular, I have become more constrained in how and what I write. I guess the chance of my upsetting someone or taking a wrong-turn has increased.

For the first-time ever this year I was invited to tone it down.

(Here I reflect on Biko’s book… I write what I like – look where that got him.)

I know I could give-up; there would be no great loss. I could resort to the diary or journal, but I have never been very good at that, I always seem to drift away. There is something special about blogs, likely the immediacy of sharing that makes the medium hypnotic. (aka a dopamine thing)

And yet, I don’t open-up fully, there is always more to say, more life that has been lived, more time passed for reflection.

It is interesting that this year, in a sensational media event, a doctor was called-out for the content of their reflection; their openness and honesty with themselves and their supervisor was made public, all, sending a shiver through the profession.

And, what is the point?

I originally started blogging to make some of my ideas concrete.

The relationship between safety, mindfulness, imagination, the unconscious and creativity were early themes.

More recently I seem to have focused on analysis of my life as a doctor – the good, the bad, the challenging. Mostly I feel I ask questions; only occasionally do I arrive at an answer.

I have some dedicated readers who make me feel worthwhile.

In the three years I have been blogging I have only had one, maybe two altercations with readers, and those mostly misunderstandings. (Not counting the time I was blocked!)

Blogging is walking a tightrope.

It’s not the fall that kills you.

Perhaps I am running-out of things to say;

There is an adage; when in doubt, act.

Perhaps I should adopt, when in doubt, shut up.

Sometimes I think of white blood cells and their response to infection; the overwhelming increase of defensive mechanisms aimed at maintaining the status quo.

Mostly it is just self-expression.

Bruce Lee called Jeet Kune Do the art of expressing the human body.

Perhaps blogs are the art of expressing the human spirit.

The spirit encounters ups and downs, rides a roller-coaster, frequently made more vulnerable by changing seasons.

I remember in the 1980s they used to talk about biorhythms. These still exist today although they sit firmly in the realm of pseudo-science.

And yet… our world is in flux, it does follow a pattern, we are travelling in time and space with an uncertain destination.

When will we get where?

Yes,

It wasn’t inevitable that more people would read the blog,

That attention would grow.

Would I have carried-on as I did back in 2015 if nothing had changed?

An aspect of this is nostalgia.

We like to look back on the surety of a lived-past and remember.

Once I was young, now I am old. Tomorrow who knows?

This is the same logic that prevents me from planning too far ahead.

Yesterday, someone asked me to book a meeting for next November.

I said yes, but I just cannot conceive of such a thing.

They talk of five-year plans, I tend to live in a five-minute window of being. Now and a minute, now and a little bit more. You’d think a lifetime of experience would convince me differently, but not.

Yesterday is a comfort.

Safe in heaven, dead, Said Kerouac.

I get the sentiment!

Why not exist perpetually in a merry moment? Why not maintain a constant now/joy?

I guess it’s not how we are programmed.

If you can balance the threat of tomorrow, weave this in to a context of eternal optimism, you are moving in the right direction.

Let it flow, as they say.