I feel a little guilty.
Yesterday, mid-morning, as I exited the home of one of my patients I was grinning.
The encounter had been fun, I had laughed through the consultation with him, his wife and their tortoise and I moved-on feeling that I had accomplished something.
Now, this shouldn’t be that odd. Surely, it is meant to be the essence of life – finding meaning in your work that adds value and substance to your being, yet, it is so at odds with many of my recent experiences that I am suspicious that something is wrong.
A few months ago, after I had been off work, I noticed that my dog’s behaviour had changed. At the time I originally wondered whether she had something wrong – her relaxed, almost languid behaviour was at odds with her always-on personality. I considered all the usual – cancer, ageing, depression? (what can be worse than a depressed dog?) until, it was brought to my attention that it was not the dog who had changed but me.
I had become more relaxed; I was taking her on longer walks. My demeanour had settled into something less than fraught.
Well, I am going through this a second time, with the work I am doing.
Back in the day, when I would roll in to Mallard Ward in Doncaster, it was not like going to work, it was more like moving from one room of my home to another; this feeling left me for a couple of years, and it seems to have returned.
I don’t want to make people feel bad in case their experiences are not the same; I just thought I would be open about my feelings.
Something else that has caught my attention has been flowers.
I know that every spring and summer the flowers around here bloom. It just happens; this year, for whatever reason, I have been more aware. Maybe more in-tune; this blog is filled with pictures I have taken whilst out with the dog.
I am also not wanting to make people envious – ‘That damn, doctor his loving life!’ kind of thing – I am not saying my world is perfect; heck, look over the garden wall and the mess is everywhere; my little bubble can’t last forever, it is just something to appreciate for now.